I have translated my article I had written in August 2001 into English, as I would like it to be read by foreign people, too. But I know my ability of writing English is not satisfactory. I am pleased if you tell me by E-mail the grammatical mistakes or unnatural sentences you find. Also, of course, please let me hear your opinions and impressions. (November 2001)


　　　　　　　　　　　Mental Characteristics

　　　　　　　　 1. Trauma
　Those who are not only fond of the songs of Hamasaki Ayumi but strongly interested in herself, and have dropped in this homepage must have already read two important articles where she had talked about her infancy and parents, that is, the talking article of "All Night Nippon" broadcasted on Dec. 28 1998 (recorded in the web-site "Ayumania") and the magazine article of "ROCKIN' ON JAPAN" issued on April 2001. How did you feel after reading them?
　According to the articles, her father left his family when she had just reached the age of reason, telling her a lie that he would just go to a business trip. It can be read how she was shocked by being told a lie, deceived by the person she had trusted, not to speak of the separation from him. (Must be the experience on which "teddy bear" was written.) And her mother did not love her, or did not know how to love her, showing little concern with her. She could not expect parents' love in the period when we need it most in our life. Her trust was not accepted by her parents in the period when we trust our parents most in our life without condition. How do you behave if you are in her place?
　I had been thinking that trusting someone results in
　Being betrayed and rejected some day
　I never had such strength at that time
　Maybe I knew too much　　　　　　　("A Song for XX")
　When I listened to the song for the first time, I was awfully shocked and imagined that there might have been a period when she had lost all the emotions. (Such sympton is often reported in a child abuse case which frequently occurs in Japan now.) Fortunately, it was my overthinking. But she grew a lonely child, not showing her feelings much nor keeping company with other children. (Her low voice must have been a kind of barrier then.) She had not been hard on others out of complaint or irritation, but she locked all such emotions inside. The grown-ups around might regard her as a calm and troubleless child, but it is supposed that a lot of complexed feelings were inside her. (In the interview of "ROCKIN' ON JAPAN" she confessed that there were times when she had hated her mother and felt jealous of the children who could return home soon after school.) And I suppose such empty, unhappy infancy as a whole had become her trauma.
　I think the experiences of one's infancy in general mold one's basic character and state of mind. For example, even when you are betrayed by the person you have trusted, if you have happy memories of infancy protected by love and trust, you will not go down to despair, though shocked of course. But if you do not have, you may. Or, you may distrust everyone or doubt that you have some fundamental defects. There often appears emotions of deep sorrow, solitude, despair in her lyrics, which surprises many listeners. I think the main cause is her initial experiences, her infancy as trauma.
　Reading up to this point, some of you may have a question -- I say unhappy, unhappy, but she was talking about her infancy rather calmly, and does not seem to regard it as unhappy one. Isn't it strange? -- But I think the question will be solved by understanding the function of an infant's mind more deeply. When an infant faces unhappiness, his mind in general tries to keep it in the unconscious, so that he may not be conscious of it. But if it fails and he gets conscious of it, then his mind tries to return it back to the unconscious as soon as possible, in other words, tries to make it to be forgotten, for his mind knows instinctively that it is still weak, delicate and fragile. In this way, many unhappy memories are to be hidden in the woods of the unconscious, and I think she is also beginning to understand this function of mind.

　　　　　　　　2. Intelligence
　I do not know actually about the situation when Hamasaki Ayumi made her debut as a singer, but I hear that not a few people told then she seemed to be stupid, and the reason was that she talked slowly and called herself Ayu. It is stupid itself to object to such a low level slander. But I think the phenomenon reflects clearly the prejudice against intelligence which common Japanese people have. Let us go into it just for a while.
　The opposite word of "stupid" would be "clever" or "have a good brain." So which type of person do Japanese people call "clever" or "have a good brain" in general? -- He must be a person who has a good memorizing ability, a lot of knowledge and a quick mind, in other words, a person who gets good marks in school examinations. But how about "thinking ability"? I do not mean the ability of solving applied questions in mathematics by "thinking ability." What I mean is the ability of thinking deeply of fundamental questions in life, such as, for what purpose I am studying, who I am and how I should live, what in fact this society is, what is the most important thing for a person -- this ability is not valued at all in this country. Moreover, it is often regarded as bad ability, because if a person wastes his time in thinking such things, his memorizing ability declines. And, generally speaking, a person who thinks deeply is apt to talk slowly, as he doubts what common people say and tries to choose his words before talking. But it sometimes happens that he is regarded as stupid by the opposite type of person who believes what common people say without doubt, gets used to react to everything in pattern and can talk rapidly. In other words, it sometimes happens that a person who thinks much is called stupid by a person who thinks little. What a pervert situation !
　But her own objection might be better than mine which is so explanatory. It is the radio program "All Night Nippon" broadcasted on March 15 1999 with the title "It's not true that Hamasaki Ayumi is not stupid." Her talking in the program does not matter so much, but we can see her intention in the naming just after the previous program title "Hamasaki Ayumi is not stupid." We can hear that she questioned back to people softly and indirectly through the program, "Why is it no good being stupid?" "You call a person clever or stupid by the standard of memorizing ability or quickness of mind, but what is the meaning of the standard?" Well, it might be more humorous and smart.
　And, on the other hand, there are people who hold completely opposite image of hers. They think she is super and must know all the mental states of a person as they feel some of her lyrics express their thoughts and feelings too precisely, worshipping her almost blindly. But it must be overestimation. My opinion is that she understands her own mental states surprisingly well, while she knows those of others surprisingly little. And the reason is simple -- she has spent a lot of time in facing herself up to now in her life, while she has shown little interest in the outer world and has not been familiar with others except a few friends who resembled her much in character. Let us look back on her chidhood again.
　According to the interview of "ROCKIN' ON JAPAN," she had been a lonely child, seldom on friendly terms with other children in her infancy and elementary school days. It was maybe because her inner problems were too heavy and she could not join the circle of children, who cried, laughed, got angry, got merry by trivial reasons. And she admitted that she had kept a diary in her elementary school days. She did not tell what she had been writing. But I suppose she had been writing her occasional thoughts and feelings, not daily facts. It means that she had been doing the training of writing unconsciously, doing the work of looking inside and seeking the words which expressed her thoughts and feelings precisely. (When I read the lyrics of her first album "A Song for XX," I was sure she had done the training of writing in the past, which was confirmed by the interview. Her lyrics were not written in a day.)
　As we continue reading, we come to know that she did not have what we call hobbies, did not show concern with sports nor music, and did not have experiences of being crazy with something outside. (This indifference, cool atittude to the outer world is clearly marked in her case.) The only thing she showed interest in was fashion. But it was a thing which made herself looking good and changed her feeling and image, in other words, concerned herself so closely. She came up to Tokyo after graduating junior high school and became an actress, but had been for less than two years. Why she could not continue acting and got tired of being an actress? It was maybe because being an actress was being another person who had different character. She did not know much about others, did not have much interest in others and did not wish to be some other person. I suppose her self was too heavy for her to be an actress. Moreover, please look at her profile which is copied in many fan sites of hers. In the column of her favourite books -- Aida Mitsuo, Gin-iro Natsuo, modern Japanese translation of Manyoushuu (famous collection of short-form poems in the ancient days). You will find they are all verse, the first person literature. I suppose she has read few novels and showed little interest in novels.
　I have always decided the standard of happiness with my own measure　　("Trauma")
　It is sure that she has her own measure, but that's all she has. She does not know common, worldly measure much. (Many Japanese people are, to the contrary, much conscious of common, worldly measure, spend a lot of time in adjusting themselves to it, and cannot have their own definite measures. Her mental structure is just opposite to those of many Japanese people.) It cannot be denied that this mental character is her strength, the driving force of her doing successivey what other people dare not do. But it is her weakness at the same time, the factor of making her hard in going through the world and causing her many troubles. When I think of her intelligence, the jacket picture of "Endless sorrow" crosses my mind. The right wing is big and perfect, while the left wing is small and undeveloped. The unbalanced image causing anxiety.
　But it might be only my impression looking her from outside, and her mental structure might be stable in itself. Whether she will go forward with one measure or search her way recognizing the other measure and comparing the two, she will decide herself.

　　　　　　　　3. Morality
　Morality is her distinctive character as well as intelligence. Let us pick up again from her profile. -- Her favourite word is "Arigatou (Thank you)," people she respects are "people who have things she does not have," people she dislikes are "liars, people who do not greet," her motto in writing lyrics is "to write her thoughts and feelings honestly." They all show her moral character. (And Aida Mitsuo is a poet often called too moralistic.) Also, for example, how many voices of gratitude we hear from her first album. Gratitude for her old friend, gratitude for her new friend, gratitude for Mr. Matsuura who found out her talent first, gratitude for her fans... Only a modest person can hold so much feelings of gratitude. Considering that our soul often gets purer when writing poems or compositions, still I cannot help thinking that she is a person of pretty good character. Well, then, how has she got this moral characteristic? -- By will and introspection, I suppose.
　She was told a lie by her father in the beginning of her life. And her mother did not praise her when she did something good, did not scold her when she did something bad. In other words, her parents did not teach her the distinction of good and evil, but confused her what is good and what is evil. I think that in such a home environment, will and efforts were absolutely necessary for her to tell good from evil, to choose good and not to choose evil. (People often say that even a bad example can have a good effect on a person. But do they really know how difficult it is for a person to have his own standard when there are no reliable standards around him? )
　And it can be imagined that her ability of introspection, a kind of intelligence, helped her much in the process. For example, when you have evil emotions such as hatred, jealousy, malice, cruelty, you do not want to look into your mind. But look in spite of that and have a disagreeable feeling -- I think it is very useful to have such a mental habit. Evil emotions are not gone by looking. (If you try to make them be gone by force, it often brings you the counter results.) But by looking and having a disagreeable feeling again and again, evil emotions lose their power gradually and naturally. I am sure this is a very good and effective means in order to make oneself moral, not to say the only one. And we can say that her case is the most successful one.
　But, telling additionally, I suppose she does not know the common, worldly level of morality as well as intelligence, for she seems to have got moral almost for herself. In other words, I suppose she had often considered other people as moral as herself, misunderstood them to be better than what they were.
　She is moral, her lyrics are the reflection of various thoughts and feelings born in a moral person, and form a moral world in itself, which rejoices me directly. Because in Japanese society of today, morality is often thought little of or made fool of rather than appreciated. (We should make into question why so many grown-ups have lost morality, before speaking of social service activities to children. In my opinion, the main cause would be the doctrine that economic development preceeds all and companies are the most important which this nation has forced its people consistently after the World War II.) But, listening to her songs with impression, we realize that it is morality we must keep in mind, however often it is thought little of or made fool of. Because we can affirm ourselves and like ourselves from the bottom of our hearts only when we are moral.

　　　　　　　　4. Common
　It does not mean that she is common, but means that she regards herself as common. And it may be the uniquest, the most paradoxical mental character of hers, which often causes misunderstanding.
　As we have seen, she is a person who has trauma of her infancy, intelligence looking inside, and morality which might be called even old-fashioned. -- a very unique and uncommon person from a general point of view. But she does not think so. She knows she has some characteristics different from others but thinks they are what we call personalities, and regards herself as common, not so unique. (Otherwise, why does she wish to get connection, communication, mutual understanding with her fans so earnestly?) And her fans are very much confused. Those who became her fans looking at her nice, idol-like figure which looks even active, and feeling charm and intimacy, come to find her mental characters different from others as they know her better. On the other hand, those who were moved by her lyrics and attracted by her as a person of special talents and personalities, feel embarrassed at her idol-like talking and behavior seen on TV or so, and the interviews where she is telling that she had made no efforts to be a singer. Is she really common or unique? And is her self-recognition of regarding herself as common right or wrong?
　But, before answering this question, I would like to think about the period when she got this self-recognition. The period is, I suppose, her junior high school days. (In the interview of "ROCKIN' ON JAPAN" I wanted to read this part most. And when I read this part, I felt that the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle was found out and I could catch her whole image, still I cannot assert it is her true image.)
　"Well, I spent my junior high school days with a feeling of cheers for friendship. For example, when we did something bad all together, we felt being united firmly, as we had one secret in common. There were many incidents like that in those days and, well, I was hot."　　("ROCKIN' ON JAPAN" April 2001)
　I think the period was the first turning point in her life. If she had kept behaving like in her elementary school days, she would have been a girl who studied hard or devoted herself to literature. And, in that case, she would have been strongly conscious of herself as different from other children. But she did not choose the way. Maybe because she wanted to change herself unconsciously, to be different from what she had been in her elementary school days, she wanted to join the circle of friends rather than studying and mostly succeeded. School teachers might have seen her as a dropout, but I suppose it was the first, joyful experience for her. (There are no useless experiences for a child. All the experiences in one's childhood help to form his mentality.) She experienced friendship and love, and had a comfortable, released feeling to be common. Such songs as"FRIEND""FRIEND II" "YOU" put in her first album were maybe written for her friends in those days. And if she had not experienced friendship then, such a lyric as "AUDIENCE" would not have been written. The reason why she regards herself as common is, I think, the junior high school days were the most peaceful and happiest days for her in her memory.
　As an excellent songwriter in Japanese, there is another person whom I am interested in now -- Shiina Ringo. But their methods of songwriting, showing themselves to people are completely different. The lyrics of Shiina Ringo are full of exaggarations and eccentric expressions. She is a complete actress, appears in front of audience playing various rolls, but does not easily show her true face. She products her lyrics, songs, pictures, images forecasting the reactions of listners and lookers to some extent. In other words, she has two measures, her own and the common. On the other hand, the lyrics of Hamasaki Ayumi is free from exaggarations. She always seeks the words and phrases which express her thoughts and feelings precisely. As she could not continue the work of actress, she cannot play the characters but of herself. She products her lyrics, songs, pictures, images, but cannot forecast the reactions of listners and lookers much, for she has only one measure. Well, then, which person on earth has the mental characters more which are apart from average? In the first impression, everyone says Shiina Ringo. But looking into their minds more deeply -- I find them more inside Hamasaki Ayumi. (Never saying that Shiina Ringo is common.) And so, there appears a paradoxical phenomenon that Hamasaki Ayumi who regards herself as common is uniquer than Shiina Ringo who regards herself as unique. How is it to be explained?
　To tell the conclusion first, I think neither Hamasaki Ayumi nor Shiina Ringo are wrong. Because it is the matter of laying emphasis, depends on which part of their minds they consider more important. Those who are with personality and feel it seems to be apart from average must decide whether they should regard themselves as unique or common mostly in their adolescence. The decision is made by the unconscious and this decision becomes the base for recognizing themselves and the society, but by which reason the unconscious choose one at that time, it would depend on each indivisual case. I would like to add that this basic recognition may be amended, as they grow older and have many kinds of experiences.

　I have written as above about four marked mental characteristics of hers which were reflected in my eyes. I would like to pick up three original albums in order next, and trace her footsteps after her debut as a singer.


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